The Power of Listening – How To Have Heart-To-Heart Conversations

Businesses have evolved over the years.

Companies are reworking their framework to help employees build meaningful relationships with their customers. With the aim to understand their needs better, many businesses have transformed to take a heart-centered approach to interacting with their staff and colleagues.

This opens up the possibility of having hearty conversation at work, which encompasses the art of listening. It is an authentic way to connect and has the power to improve our relationships – both at work and at home.

How Can We Listen Better?

To start, we can change the way we listen.

It is no secret that we live in a fast-paced world. Most of the time, the chase for deadlines, chores, and work takes priority. In a world constantly on the go, do we remember to check in on our loved ones?

Even as we chase our goals, we recognize the importance of connection. We set aside time to catch up with friends and family members we haven’t spoken to. We may ask them, “How are you, how have you been doing?”

They may respond in a generic manner, “I’m fine.” Or “I’m good, but busy.”

Let us take a moment to focus on the word ‘busy’. A common word to describe life updates, it is a quick and effective means to convey a booked calendar. While this is perfectly acceptable, it does highlight a crucial aspect of society – that we are in a constant rush for time to the point that we do not wish to waste it on details.

However, this no-time attribute does take out the context of a situation that proves valuable to a good, hearty conversation. We treat the question ‘How Are you?’ as an event that needs to be completed, jumping straight into action and ending the conversation.

Here is an example of one such conversation where a working mother is speaking with her son. As she is working from home, he comes up to her and says, “Mom, I’m having trouble with this subject.”

The mother, who is occupied with work, immediately jumps into a solution-oriented mindset. She may offer a remedy to resolve the problem. “Oh, have you asked your friends to tutor you?” Or perhaps, “Do you need tuition for it?”

The boy replies, “Oh, that’s not necessary. But thanks anyway, Mom.”

From this conversation, we observe a disconnect between the mother and her son. He came to her with a problem, but because she was busy, she jumped from the event to immediately present it with a solution. Her approach was rational and straightforward, but lacked depth and ended the conversation before it had a chance to bloom.

Take a moment to explore the boy’s feelings. If his mother had asked why he was having trouble with the subject, he might have shared his difficulties with her. As she listened to him talk about his feelings about it, she would be able understand him – and strengthen their relationship with one another.

When we put so much emphasis on being ‘busy’, our minds enter a default where we approach the conversation as a problem that needs to be solved. It may be effective in problem-solving, but cuts off the chance for any meaningful interaction needed for a heart-to-heart conversation.

Diving Into The Listening Process

Feelings and needs play a powerful role in the listening process.

When a problem is raised, there is often an emotion tied to it. Feelings are often a reflection of unmet needs, and this is information that can be used to dive deep and analyze the root to why we feel a certain way.

Imagine a scenario where a colleague, Alex, approaches you with a work-related issue. Alex begins by saying, "I've been feeling overwhelmed with the workload lately. The project deadlines keep changing, and I'm struggling to keep up."

In a typical approach, the response might be, "Let me see how I can help you meet the deadlines." However, taking the approach of genuine listening, you delve deeper into the feelings expressed.

Instead of immediately jumping to solutions, you respond with empathy, saying, "I sense that you're feeling overwhelmed and stressed due to the changing project deadlines. It must be challenging for you." By doing so, you acknowledge Alex's feelings and open the door for a more profound connection.

Now, recognizing that feelings are indicative of underlying needs, you further inquire, "Can you share more about what you need in this situation? Is it support in managing your workload or clearer communication about project timelines?"

In this approach, you allow Alex the space to express their needs. Alex might respond, "Yes, I need more clarity on project timelines and maybe some support in managing my workload effectively."

Exploring Feelings and Needs

As we address these emotions, we get closer to connecting with one another.

This is further demonstrated in a concept called “The Feelings Wheel”. We may lack the right words to express what we are feeling in the moment. The Feelings Wheel illustrates the many emotions we experience and provides insight to a more nuanced understanding of them.

By articulating our feelings clearly, we can foster a deeper understanding of oneself and with others.

Applying Feelings In Listening

After identifying the emotion, we can move on to address the need.

Our needs fluctuate according to circumstance and situation. During the global pandemic, a collective issue was highlighted where people were facing depression and anxiety from prolonged periods of staying indoors.

In isolation, the need for connection became more apparent. With the virus spreading, we expressed concerned for our family members and their safety became a priority. Emotional support was an important need.

Let us use the perspective of a mother in lockdown as an example. She was working from home while her son was having online classes at home. She was concerned that he may not be performing as well as his classmates, due to his slower progression. Troubled, she shared her anxieties with a friend.

“Recently, I’ve realized that my son is not paying attention in his online classes. He gets distracted easily and doesn’t respond when the teacher calls his name.”

As a friend with the intent to listen, we realize that the mother is trying to get to the bottom of her need to ensure the safety of her son. This can be done by reflective listening, validating her emotions through repeating keywords and rephrasing sentences. So, we may reply, “He gets distracted, you say?”

This allowed the mother to explore her feelings about it. She may reply, “Yes, he wasn’t like this before. He was more active in class, but not anymore.”

As a reflective listener, you may respond, “What I’m hearing is that your kid’s behavior has changed. He was participating in class before, but now he seems reluctant.”

“Yes,” the mother responds. “Maybe I should ask him about it and what I can do to help.”

By repeating key words and phrases, you mirror the emotions expressed, allowing both parties to share and understand each other. The focus should be to avoid generic statements like “I understand,” and focus on acknowledging the person’s experience.

This shows the power of applying feelings and reflecting it back to show that we care about meeting their emotional needs.

Ignoring Our Feelings: What Are The Consequences?

Workplace challenges are becoming apparent.

In fact, one in three employees were affected by burnout in the workplace, while symptoms of depression and anxiety were also present, as reported in a 2022 survey by McKinsey.

We tend to suppress our feelings about work to avoid conflict. But when these feelings have been trapped inside our body without an outlet, the stress and tension build up. It affects our mental health and leads to burnout.

This can also be a factor for mood swings. We may be fine in the morning, but by mid-afternoon, we feel tired, drained, and stressed. This creates a lot of distress where our feelings affect our behavior and confuse people. 

We may see this in our colleagues. When people suppress their emotions for too long, their attitude changes. Their unfelt emotions start to eat them up inside and the pent-up resentment, anger, and frustration may manifest in unhealthy ways. Some explode into anger, while others may turn extremely quiet. It is a roller coaster of emotion, but because most don’t know how to handle it, many choose to hide it. 

At some point, it reaches a boiling point where they have no choice but to share about what they are going through. However, in some unfortunate circumstances, the listener may not reciprocate with empathy, and they may feel misunderstood. They put the feelings back inside, build their armor back up, and resolve to never open up again. 

Unfortunately, when we disconnect with our feelings, our heart is closed off. We shut the door and throw away the key. When this happens, we fail to connect with others as well. Our relationships end up feeling strained and forced.

This is why feelings play such a considerable part in our life.

Setting An Intention To Listen Effectively

Being able to converse at a heart level can help one person immensely.

We can show genuine interest in the other person’s well-being to help them unleash trapped emotions. Listening plays an important part in that – not just to listen, but to actively hold space in an act to show that we care.

It is a pure intent to be there for the person out of our own will. This means we accept them as they are, and listen with an open heart.

The Essence of Effective Listening

Even with the right intent to listen, it is not always feasible in today’s fast-paced world.

The process is often short-circuited with an urgency to immediately present a solution. Instead of accessing our feelings, we are more concerned about offering a solution – not realizing that not every problem requires an answer.

Listening and acknowledging our feelings is a powerful tool in conversation. By recognizing the other person’s need, we are able to create a genuine connection, resulting in more meaningful interactions.

Take time to pause, and approach conversations with genuine curiosity and an open mind.